Afterthoughts

Dear World

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 23:55:41 GMT

Please stop sending business to where i work. Your business is stupid, anyway, and it continues to keep me here until midnight. Also, if you could try and tone down the sickening stupidity that continues to make me cry myself to sleep (on nights when i'm allowed to go home and sleep) that would be awesome.

Also, please die.

This Sux

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:49:37 GMT

Punched in at 10am.

It's 12:47am, now.

Still not done.

The reason i don't win the lottery is cause, as soon as i had the money, i would build a bomb and kill everyone.

At least right now i would. If given that option right now.

Which i'm not.

...

suck.

Happiness Is...

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:18:41 GMT

getting email updates about Cyndy's Pancake House.

"So for most of the month of December we will be sponsoring a family from the volunteers of America "greenwood division". For every steak and Chicken Fried Steak we sell we will take $1.00 and donate it to this family. We will also have a collection bowl for change at our cash register for our vegetarian friends who would still like to help out :). A box will also be in place to collect new items for this family. I am still waiting to get more information from the director and will keep those of you posted who would like to purchase items for this family."

Finally. I can make the world a better place through CFS.

More Working Dialogue

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:09:33 GMT

Me: "You threw away my lightsaber!"
Sarah: "You mean your trash?"
Me: "My Lightsaber."
Sarah: "Your trash?"
Me: (digs paper roll out of trashcan, sees it's too folded to be a lightsaber any more) quietly"Lightsaber."
Sarah: "Trash."

For Lukas

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 00:34:01 GMT

Leo, originally uploaded by Graypawn.

Another work doodle, this one for Lukas.

You know why...

Almost There...

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:30:03 GMT

Stranded at work. Listening to music like "Jungleland" by the Boss, "Telegraph Road" by Dire Straits, and "Burma Shave" by Tom Waits. Just have to hold out a little longer. If i can get all this done, then my co-workers and i won't have to come back up here on Friday...

Almost there...

Stay on target...

For Lukas

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:55:48 GMT

I don't know why i thought of you when i saw this...

So I Just Heard About It. Sue Me.

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:18:36 GMT

Sean-0 sent me this ages ago, but i didn't check it out until today. Anybody got plans for the weekend?

Recipe

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:55:15 GMT

ingredients
DJ Krush
DJ Shadow
DJ Food

mix, blend, and serve over a handful of hours. after the first few hours mix with caffeine. garnish with The Future Sound Of London to taste.

sit still.

go mildly insane.

Three Things

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:31:36 GMT

O.N.E.
I'm starting to really like The Future Sound of London and Hybrid
T.W.O.
I still can't believe i GMed a game of Storming the Wizard's Tower with Andi, Joe and Kaleigh playing Scooby, Velma and Shaggy. I still really can't believe it worked so well.
T.H.R.E.E.
I like Star Wars

Canceling out the Bullshit

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:47:04 GMT

I walked into work today and the shitstorm was already in full swing, covering the department in blue flurries and angry shouts. I dove straight in, same thing every day, right?, and held my breath for as long as i could. But by the end of my trip around town for meters, and just when i was starting to see reasonable due times, i accidentally picked a fight with two departments. Their situation dragged customer service into the fray. Which is bad, because Sean-0 works in CS now, and when Sean-0 gets pissed at you it's a bad sign. He's a good guy, so it's kinda like seeing Tom Hanks or Mr. Rogers flip you off. It's unsettling, and utterly surprising.

And just to cap-the-stone i'm standing at the door to my department, loading another spool of paper, when i overhear a conversation:
"What do you need?"
"Another color department."
"ha ha ha...good luck with that."

My gut just kinda tightened up, and my shoulders drooped. Had i messed up that bad?

I see a lot of fear here, nowadays. We're a business based on the worst part of our already failing economy. And that's a good reason to be scared, i guess. Some good people have been fired from this place just cause we didn't have the money to afford them. And you mess with people's money, they get scared.

But yesterday i spent a lot of time talking with a friend about the choices we make, and that perfectly useful but highly-overlooked truth about one's attitude and the adjustments it will make to the world around you. So i'm going to just try and cancel this out, and i'm going to try and do it with an easy soundtrack and a decent flavor.

Sarahzona
You managed to trick me into enjoying something i never would have loved if i hadn't met you. I really do like being a color nerd now, and that's all kudos to you. And thanks for being a no-bullshit co-worker with an amazing talent for teaching me responsibility. Especially since that's a two way street where we work. And just so you don't think this is a work rant, i want you to remember how much i believe in your efforts to become a teacher. You've taught me a lot, and that was just a hobby. I can't imagine what you'll do with the time to really speak to people.

Sean-0
You make me feel like it's okay to be angry, and then be okay later. You make me feel like it's okay to be happy, despite the (insert fact here) and you're crazy for it, but in a good way. With Diploma. You are laughter, and you are the kind of mad-hatter awesome that makes the rest of the world seem grayscale. You make me want to have fun.

The Ninja
Thanks for always inviting me to be around, even when you already know that i won't be there. Thanks for doing that, because it makes me feel wanted. In a day and age when it's hard for me to believe that i'm wanted, or appreciated, you make me feel like someone that adds a solid bonus to the party mechanic just by being there. It makes me want to live up to that. It makes me proud to be liked. You're so solid, and you don't even know it.

The Wizard
Thanks for listening to so much bullshit come spilling out of me. Thanks for always responding the way you feel, even if that's to remind me that i'm totally, completely over-reacting. And thanks for being that aggressive force for my continuation. You never let me roll over, even if you have to start kicking me to get up, and that's put a wall between where i'm at and ever getting worse. You're so strong, and you don't even know it.

Champy-Champ
You're too good for words, friend. When i can't understand a better tomorrow you make that day worth twice what i paid for it. When i can't believe how simple my magic seems, you remind me of the devastation evil has suffered at level zero spells. When i think it's just a puzzle with no answers, you provide the simplest clues. Thanks for being that guy.

The Toot Schenck
I wouldn't know what to do with a world that acted more like you. I could retire, and just spend my time in hammocks, smoking pipes, and reading books, knowing things were fixed and functional. You're an ideal to me, man. You're a real reason to feel good about oneself. You're the best guy in the world to share frozen popsicles with, and when every angry person gets the chance to do that, the world will certainly be a better place.

Trouble
The flourish is the art, and the things you hold deepest in your heart are all that counts for telling stories or sharing what is beautiful. I could not have believed this without you. And i could not have imagined what a great friendship would be if you hadn't shown me first. Thank you, and god-speed, paladin.

Patty-cake
The best part of this paragraph is that it's completely vestigial. You know my heart, and my head, and all the best of my jokes. You don't need to hear anything, because your confidence is placed first in your faith, which carries so much of the weight so many put on you. You are a titan, and a god-slayer, and a balzy bastard with a heart of gold. You deserve so much more than you know, and have truly earned what you have.

Mac
I've never known the balance between cute and kick ass until i met you. I've never known what it takes to face something you can't comprehend, and face it, and smile. I know i've hurt you more than once, and i'm so sorry for that. I know i've thrown things out there that i thought were snowballs but turned out to be daggers. And that's why i'm thankful you are so good with blades. You catch 'em. And you know when to drop them.

Dawnlet
I've never known anyone that can make me feel so safe to speak, and just empty my life's pockets with. You hear me more than i even know i'm being heard, and you care about so many people that i can't imagine what kind of chorus must be around you at all times. You're a kind of harmony the world could learn so much from. Thank you so much for being that kind of music.

Baeders
I've put your names into my fiction, and it's a heroic remembrance. Thank you so much. When i need to make it somewhere, you offer before i can work up the courage to ask. When i'm hungry, you offer before i can pretend like it's no big deal. You are so very, very generous, and in a way that is so genuine that inspiration naturally follows. Thank you so much for the giving you do.

Eb
Infinity is trite. Eternity is a slow step. You stride through all ages and keep your friends. You travel distances inconceivable, and never loose connection. Thank you for believing in us. And thank you for teaching me so much about how to think and how to believe in what i love. How to simply, angrily, truthfully love what i love. Thank you for all the music, you are my guru, and my muse. You are the spark that lights the fire.

T&A
You each deserve your own here, but i'm going to put you together the way i put myself with you like the perfect trilogy. Forever it will be the three of us. We are that montage shot of the best trio you can pay to film. And without you guys i would loose the baseline, the groundwork for what i love and believe in about allegiance and loyalty. T, when you fight, you fight for real. A, when you join up, you stick to it no matter what. I love you guys like brothers. Miss you is an understatement. Stories are the best currency, and with those you two make me rich.

NuCuB
Never have i known so great a champion as you. Never have i witnessed such strength, and such brutal honesty. Never have i seen such a deep heart, or such a forceful friendship. You risk yourself first, and your faith in others last. You are the book we all want to read, and the best excuse i've got to feel like a hero. You're priceless to me. In you i see heroism.

Crow
I can see nights in my past where the worst of evil would have won, had you not been there to tell me it was all a lie. When my faith was tattered, you were willing to sigh with me, and still draw swords to defend what we hoped for. You have come farther than any of us, skipping the useless meanderings of such a banal life, and working with the present like a craftsman, always alive in every moment. You are cunning, you are calm, and you are the only real definition of cool. You are my confidant, and my ally. You are hero, and you need to hear it.

Silver
I have no way of telling you how much hope you give me. Your actions, decisions, and dedications are inspiration to me, and powerful in ways that teach me to be comfortable with fear. You are courage, purely, and strength of heart. You are the one that taught me to never forget the sound of laughter, or how important it is. You make me believe in the future.

Pops
I simply could not have made it this far without you.

Cheena
You will never know how much i've learned from you. You will never know how much you've taught me to think, and to understand, and to believe.

Mum
I derive a strength from you that cannot be beaten.

U.L.
I will not be fooled by what idiots tell me, and i will not be content to be complacent, and this is what you've given me.

Haynerd
You are like fire, and it took me a long time to figure out how amazingly beautiful it is to blaze like you do. You consume life in all the best ways, and that makes me smile.

Rach
You are like snow, and carry the gentle, graceful insight of a truly wonderful heart. You are prose i can only hope for, and that makes me smile.

Spud-nugget
You are the anchor our family can hold to no matter what the distance or time. You are the reason i feel wise, and true, and good. Because you shine with a kind of strength and goodness that is matched only in bedtime stories and timeless memories.

Everyone Else
Forgive me for failing to tell the whole truth. I'm better for knowing you, and that's no simple statement. I'm glad that you are there, and can only hope to be a better friend to you.

New Leaf II: It's Not Easy Being Green

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:46:08 GMT

Last night i bought a computer that can't connect to the internet, a pair of insoles that don't fit in my shoes, and three shirts that are too small.

Getting to work i'd already called the online store where i bought the shirts. They were happy to exchange them for me, for free, provided i had the packing slip. I searched my area at work (where i'd opened the packaged) and could not find the packing slip.

So, in one crazy adventure, Sarazona took me all the way to Southcenter, where i was refunded the money for my troubles by waiting in line at the actual store (the closest one being in Southcenter, which is why we went there).

And while we're there she says, "Do you want to check here for shirts?"

We do.

They actually have them. And they're on sale.

I buy one black one, and one gray one...

And then, since i don't need any more...

I bought a third one.

Because i need a green one.

For Exalted.

Wood Dragon Aspect.

New Leaf

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:27:13 GMT

I just made myself a PB&J for lunch.

At work.

I cannot tell you how un-rewarding it was.

Reimbursed!

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:30:38 GMT

Last night i had to stay until one in the morning for work.

It was so late that the Train stopped running (apparently the last train leaves West Lake Station at one AM but only goes to SoDo. Wtf? who needs to go from DT to SoDo at one in the morning? By friggin' train?) So after running through a scary, scary Chinatown in the middle of the night to NOT catch the last train, i stood at the stop on 5th and Jackson, just staring at the street and waiting for the No.7 (again).

I hate the No. 7. I really hate it now that they've taken away half of our stops and half of the rounds it makes. Standing there, at a quarter till one, looking at the street, i realized: the next 7 wouldn't show for half an hour. And that would be if i got lucky. I was looking at an hour, easily, of my life wasted, standing at King Street Station, doing nothing.

So then i saw a cab. I waived said cab down. I took said cab home. And this morning i slapped my work with the receipt. Reimbursed! This sets a new precedent for me. How awesome is that? Now, if they shaft me with a crazy workload, i can call a cab, and go home. I'm sticking it to them.

Top Five Memories of Rainy Nights

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:44:54 GMT

5 - Riding Home on Mother's Day
It was sometime before '92, i'm pretty sure, back when we lived in the old Danbury house. I worked up the courage to take a back-road route through a scarier part of our neighborhood in order to bike my way to Wal-Mart. It was a daring act, for a kid, because i'd been told there were Satanists that held rituals in an old dirty colvert back on the southwest side of the Wal-Mart, right next to where i'd arrive by that route. That was the standard threat back home, as a kid. Satanists. They were always hanging out in quarries and colverts, smoking marlboros and converting kids to the Dark Lord. But i had a mission: i was going to buy something for Mum on Mother's day. I got there fine, and picked out something cheap that a kid like me could afford (strange that i can't even remember what it was, now). But on the way back out of the store a thunderstorm had moved in the way they always do in the midwest: like an angry posse out to corner the bandit. That thunderstorm slammed into me with no mercy as i tucked whatever it was into my coat, under my shirt, and peddaled myself into a torrential downpour, content to make it back alive. The funny twist is, despite being alive and exhilarated in a fight with nature, Mum found me, with Hannah in the front seat of that old station wagon we had. She was furious, driving around to search for me, absolutely terrified for my life. Apparently someone had told her about the Satanists, too.

4 - MiniVan Mornings, the Medusa Summer, Troy, MT
Somewhere back in time we lived in limbo. My siblings know it better than i do, and my parents could tell you better stories, i'm sure. I was already out in the world at that point, tethered much more loosely to the family. It was after our Yaak years. But my little sisters and my little brother needed a high school diploma, so the fab fam moved from the woods to the string of lawns down in Troy town. When i came to visit one summer i was supposed to stay with Haakon in the Karuzas trailer, because homes filled up fast in those single-wide trailers we all inhabited. Now, before the heat wave came in and reminded everyone that it was, in fact, summer, and before i'd moved in with Haakon, i needed a place to sleep. And since the house was full again with the fab fam, i was given a new portable bedroom. They put down some foam padding and threw a few blankets in the back of the minivan. And for a good month i woke every morning to the sound of gentle rain on the rooftop, the the drumming of giant fingers to a subtle beat. It was pure relaxation.

3 - Returning from Little Rock, with the guy side of the S.G.O.F.
Some movie, some night of the week, on some adventure. I can't even remember the car, but i'd bet money it was the Soup Can, and Dave was the Pilot. We were driving into a squall, and the music on the radio still managed to come through, clear as bells. As the rain hit some magical DJ with perfect kung-fu started to play Enter Sandman by Metallica. I cannot tell you how awesome it is to hear that, full volume, while the heavens battle by lightning. Awesome.

2 - Autumn, Adventure, Allegiances
In a memory i can't sell you, or explain, or communicate clearly, i put my No.2. The memory is connected to that smell of wet leaves on a crisp night. The fall is wet, back home, and my neighborhood was old, nested in many trees. And one night, anticipating a team-up between me and Michael, one of my oldest friends, i slid my old wooden sword, Bloodwater into my pants belt-loop, and jammed the water pistol .45 down the back of my pants. I put on my camo jacket, and my fake-Indiana Jones hat, and rushed out the front door. It was dark, that kind of early dark from the approaching winter, and the entire world had a sheen of glossy wet reflecting streetlights. The smell...i wish i could tell you what it smelled like. It smelled like childhood, and i knew it even then, and it smelled like adventure, and anticipation. It smelled like my friendship with my old friend, and the dragons we would slay. It smelled like the good times, like way back when.

1 - Raintunnel
Life had finally closed the chapters on my youth. I was now an adult. Don't ask me how i know, i'm sure it was many, many things that caused it. But i was no longer a kid. I met my friend Haakon, who is ever a child and ever and adult, like me, and we were suddenly exploding with verbal communion. It was the first we'd seen each other in nearly two years, and the first time we'd not seen each other in so long. The emotions that came through me that night are many and varied. Concerned, delighted, awe-struck, giddy, content, and confused. All in their order, like cars piled behind the steam-engine of camaraderie. We walked all over that sleepy town, Troy, through a slow rainfall that soaked me to the bone but never made me cold. We talked, told stories, asked questions, and eventually came to an old Train Tunnel. Staring long into it's darkness we mused on the adventure of going into it, and all that would entail. We were five steps in, five steps from really doing it, when suddenly and amber glow appeared at the far end. And then the whistle, like the roar of a monster. We rushed back out to the rain, and in moments the thing exploded out of the tunnel like all the noise and light and amazement you could ever imagine. It blew my coat back, and the rain flew away from us for a moment. We played catch up to each other all that night, but as the foundation of a tradition we did not fail to add one more adventure to our history at the same time.

Voyager

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:47:03 GMT

Finally bought my plane ticket last night. Up till now i've been a pretty faithful CheapTickets.com guy, but this time i went with a deal i got through Expedia.com. I'll let you know how it goes.

Itinerary is thus:

Depart Seattle: 12/21 - 1:05PM
Arrive OKC: 12/21 - 11:05PM

Depart OKC: 01/03 - 5:25PM
Arrive Seattle: 9:10PM

Plus i got it all for right around 1k dollars! That's 600 less than i'd been seeing it (and 600 less than it was listed on CheapTickets...)

A Little Push...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:35:09 GMT

Joker's Black&W, originally uploaded by Graypawn.

Watched The Dark Knight again last night. Glad i did.

Final Warning

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 02:20:20 GMT

Final Warning, originally uploaded by Graypawn.

Terrific. Now what? I gotta remember to give myself better instructions.

...

Who am i kidding? I know me, and i know i'd just kill time anyway. Probably not going to do much, even with demands from my future self...

This Isn't Funny Anymore

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:15:27 GMT

I'm sleeping downstairs tonight.

I didn't expect this.

Tonite was horrible. I didn't leave work until 12:30 and by the time I got home I was dead on my feet. I still had laundry to do, though, and tonight is my one chance to do it. So, since I hate doing laundry when I'm all sweaty, I hopped in the shower.

While I'm in the middle of shampooing my hair, something bangs on the door.
At first I thought it was just the cat.
But Virgil is trouble, not dangerous. And the bump was loud, like someone punching the door. I stopped scrubbing my hair and just listened.
For a moment it was quiet. Then the door just started shaking violently, as if it were convulsing. At that point I was terrified.
I pulled back the curtain and watched the door stop shaking. I watched it there, soap in my eyes, frozen, water running, afraid to move.

But it gets worse.

I got out of the shower, started to calm down, put on some clothes and went to look at myself in the mirror. I brushed my teeth. And then I went back to my room.

This is the part that terrifies me.

My bedroom door was wide open. The lights had been turned off.

Slowly, slowly I crept toward the door. When I finally had the guts to turn on the light, I felt my stomach turn.

Everything on my desk had been piled into two piles.

I must have stood there for a while wondering what to do and panicking pretty much until I noticed my cell phone siting on, like, a little ledge of the pile closest to me.

Being so shaken I wasn't thinking and I just picked it up. Immediatly the whole thing crashed down and onto the desk and floor. I jumped back, yelping a bit. I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

So I left, borrowed JBs truck and went to QFC.

moebius

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:04:04 GMT

I've been sitting downstairs for the last 20 minutes.
Uncertain of what to do next.

I'm posting this from my phone, because Pearl is dead. I suddenly wonder, is her death part of all this?

This morning I got a text from J.B. that said the front door was unlocked when he woke up this morning. I assumed it was my fault, that I'd forgotten coming home as late as I did.

But tonite something weird happened. I had to return a horror movie to the video store down the street. Andi had driven me home from our Wed Nite Mage Game and we were halfway through a conversation, so he offered to drive me to the dropoff and back. I made sure to lock the door behind me. When we got back 10 minutes later, it was unlocked.

This was bad enough, but that's not the weird part. I put my coat in my room and took off my dress shirt. I then went to brush my teeth.

when I got back to my room, my windows were both open.

I've been sitting downstairs, afraid to go to my room.

It's very quiet in this house.

Switcher00

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:09:32 GMT

For the last two days i've been training at Luminous Works in Ballard. I basically sit in a nice room, with other color nerds, and geek out about the Adobe Creative Suite. We drink green tea, listen to jazz, and keep saying "Oh, that is so cool!" At lunch i have fresh blackened salmon, and fish-battered fries. By 4:30 i'm talking about building D&D dungeons with my old Mac.

Then, at 6, it all goes away, like a dream in a crystal ball floating back to Xanadu. I trudge back to the warbird that brought me away from the gray and disparate ID, climb into is smelly bowels, and slither back down Aurora until i've crashed into that shithole that won't let me leave. I punch the clock, and begin to sift through the piles of blue work order that have collected like a snowbank over my inbox. I call friends, cancel plans, and feel the happy times slip through my fingers like breath from the lungs of a drowning man.

Here, on the murky deep, i'm waiting for another broken device to be temporarily fixed, so i can start my workday, and power through to the OT. It's all due tomorrow, first thing in the morning. It's always due first thing in the morning. It's due the very instant you could be doing anything else, anything that would make you happy (or just less sad).

I'd say i've got it bad, but i don't have the right. Other people will be here long after i'm gone, and they came in long before i danced over the hills to Ballard schools and honey-sweet beverages. For some there was no ball. The carriage never showed. Just pumpkins. Just rats.

I'm listening to the music on our Jukebox and wishing i had the self-destructive nature enough to start smoking. Because it just makes sense: a guy like me, with a job like this, smoking is a fit. Everyone else here does. You spend too many nights in this place and the thought of lung cancer just puts a smile on your face. Like you finally get to check out early for once. "Sorry, i can't show up to finish that job...I'm dead!"

...

So, yeah, i'm exaggerating. But...man i really want to set fire to this place right now.

Bad Sleep

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:19:52 GMT

Last night i had a real hard time staying asleep.

The worst part was a dream about making a delivery to the Columbia building, downtown. I was on some kind of super-high-up balcony, probably half-way up the building. They have this weird atrium area where the building is like a honeycomb on the outside, open to the air, and if you're standing inside the hollow part you can see out to the cityscape. There is no such balcony, in real life, so maybe that's why i was so relaxed. I remember being in denial of it the whole time.

There was a missile, like in an action movie or something. I just flew in a long slow arch with a thin line of white cloud in it's wake, and smashed into the buildings side. I remember seeing the edge of it crumble off like a giant cookie crust. And as all this smoke and debris erupted people started to scream and just go crazy all around me. I was holding onto this strange calmness, though, and i spoke to no one, just waiting for the explosion to be over and the building to hold. I kept looking around me thinking, wait for it...wait for it to slow, to settle, and then start helping people...

But it didn't. It broke in the middle.

I can still feel that enormous lift, as the floor below me shifted angles, lifting behind me and tilting toward the street. I remember holding onto that calm feeling until the horizon was the ground, and the people around me couldn't hold on. We were sliding down a 45 degree angle toward a brownish cloud.

And just as i realized this was not okay, and that this was not going to right itself, and the building was going to fall to nothing and i would die along with all of these people...
i woke up.

i'd knotted the covers around me, and i was shaking.

Fail

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:37:37 GMT

i go to buy a bag of Runts from the vending machine upstairs. Are they Runts? No. They're Chewy Runts.

disgusting.

After I Am Dead

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:01:27 GMT

After I am dead
I shall be gone from the day,
and the wind will gather my dust in his arms
and bear me far away.

After I am dead
I shall leave no sign or track,
And the shadow that walked beside me
will be gathered back.

--Oscar Williams

Q:

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:31:06 GMT

Boba Fett (Empire) Vs. Batman (Arkham Asylum): Who wins?